So im sitting here with so much going thru my head that i can hardly be still at all.....Just when you think that you have a handle on things and that everything is going just the way your thinking it should boom a slap in the face and then everything is gone to poop....I dont know why i thought moving here to Ny would solve my problems Ive only seemed to create more for myself....WHY did i think i had control of things when all along i didn't I knew deep inside that starting to drink again was only gonna bring unwanted things and feelings back up the one thing Ive tried so hard to keep him from hit me right in the face tonight or should i say this morning..
There were signs and i stupid me ignored them I thought they were nothing but stupid silly talk now i see sitting here all alone waiting for him to come back home they weren't so silly and I should have taken them for what they were and protected myself.....Sometimes love can really blind the crap out of a person I've certainly been blind by it for a long time now i think I've been caught up in some kind of fantasy world that i wanted to just be so true but it isn't true at least not anymore for me....So now....
How do I leave him......................How do i close my heart off so that I can do the right thing and just leave before this all destroys me and my children....I thought he was the one for me I thought he was the one that would make my life complete and for awhile he made it seem like he did complete it that is until he started breaking me into pieces little by little....We decided to have a few drinks alone at home kids are in bed its late at night we come in the room sit down listen to sum music together were loving and hugging on one another sneaking little kisses on the lips im thinking this is nice i love him so much were having such a good time together soon we will lay down and cuddle together and then drift off and sleep....I crawl into bed and ask him to come get under the covers with me & he says im working my way over there baby give me a second....so i crawl deeper under the covers getting warm he gets up to go use the bathroom or so im thinking as i watch him leave the room and close the bedroom door i lay there waiting for him to come back int he room and after a few minutes he doesn't so i think in my mind ill get up and go see wats taking him so long and ask him to come to bed with me im sleepy only when i call out to him thinking hes in the bathroom he doesnt answer me so i call out a second time as im opening the door my heart drops to the floor as i see the empty dark bathroom......
I walk to the kitchen and slowly peel back the curtain and realize he's left hes gone he's taking our van and he's left me.....hes taken our bill money and he's gone to the city to do the awful thing I've tried so hard to keep him away from................Will my heart Mend will i love him or hate and despise him now....
Will i stay or go????
