Wish today was better.......

Today isn't going very well David is in a bad mood and has been that way since he got up thx to Hannah and Breanna.....They came into the room long before we were able to get up out of it and told him Jonathan left without making his bed therefore that put him in his current mood....When he gets this way the whole day is screwd and his anger is usally turned towards me i guess because im the only one here he can yell at and say nasty things too :( pretty soon i always find that it's him and I argueing with eachother for the remainder of the day :( always over something mean he has said to me and of course i have to respond too....

I should learn I know to just not say anything back to him and just go about my buisness but it seems to be a hard thing for me to do. especially when he's saying things like Everyday is just a mistake then he catches himself and says getting out of bed everyday as if that sounds any better then what he said before that :( it still hurts my feelings and always has me sitting here long after asking myself why is it that I am here.....Does he even want me here and if he's so damn misrable why doesn't he do something about it tell me to go if he's un-happy with me....Instead he just goes about saying all of his mean comments and maken me feel that much smaller in his eyes :( I will take the blame and own up to the things i say if i feel i was in the worng but for most part i don't feel i am....I don't disagree with him very often I back him on most of what he lays down here as far as rules and what he expects from the kids the things I don't agree with is his over dramatic way of how he handles certain things, How he yells at the top of his lungs at just about everything that rubs him raw, How his anger is always aimed at me no matter if i've done anything or not, And how he always seems to say that we are driven him to wanna drink I think thats the comment that always hurts me the most :( I know anger makes us say and do things that sometimes later on we can regret but come on we gotta have some conrol over what we say don't we? I guess i'm venting as they say doesn't really change anything and once this is over i'm almost sure it will happen again and because of that it's got me thinking about alot of things :(

So the chapter ends I think?

So I've finally asked the Missionaries to stop coming to my house once again I'm wondering how long this will last because I've told them to stop coming once before and it didn't last very long before new ones came to once again try to teach me about Joseph Smith whom i do not believe in at all.... For a long while i was torn and confused inside on this subject i didn't know which way to go, these ppl are so kind and loving to you that it makes it hard to just cutt the ties...

But...I knew in my heart that joining the church simply because of their kindness and love wasn't a legit reason i mean this is my life I'm thinking about my future my everything.... as much as i have read and studied the book of Mormon it hasn't done to me what they claim it was suppose too... And believe me i have read and studied alottttt.....for the past year.....And I believe in my heart the BIBLE is the only true word of Jesus Christ and only thru him can i get to heaven.....,

I think it to be sad that all of these people are being lead astray and lead to believe in something that is truly false, the only thing i could say to someone who is thinking of going towards the Mormon church test it read study and if anything goes against the word of God meaning the Bible go the other way it's wrong.....

Thank you God for you true words of love and for helping me see what was right in front of me all along........

Mormons

So I haven't written anything in awhile and thought i'd do just that had some things on my mind this morning that I wanted to share with you guys the ones that read my blog, it's my very own thoughts and feelings about the Mormon church and there beliefs and my journey into learning about it all and how i feel about it....


When I first began to look into Mormonism as some may call it I was curious it was my curiosity that lead me to start reading and learning about the religion now that I've read many book and watch many movies on the subject I am as each day goes by learning that this may not be as in truth as they claim it to be.... First off I want to say and clarify that I love the missionary's very much I have made some very good friends by them coming to my home and trying to teach me the Book of Mormon, but that is where it stops, from day 1 I have had this since of things not being right with the whole Book of Mormon teachings and Joseph Smith I came into it all with an open mind and right away telling myself that I would by no means judge anyone or anything untill I read the book and learned a bit more....

I have been here in Palmyra Ny the place known for it's history of the mormons and the gold plates ect for 10 months....http://www.mormonwiki.com/Gold_plates you can go to the link and read about it..... during the time i've been here i've used it to teach myself and learn the religion and let me just say it is wayyyyyy confusing. I have seen all the beautiful sites here and my most favorite place is the Sacred Grove I have walked thru it about 4 times since being here :) and taken so many pictures.... 


I would love to belive with all of my heart that this all is the truth but there are just a few things that have been preventing me from feeling just that, I will list some of those things below. I will be coping and pasting from varies websites.
1.The Mormon view of God is in complete contrast the biblical understanding of God as an infinite, unchangeable, and eternal in his triune nature. Through the lens of historical Mormonism, God was once a man who obeyed laws and principles and eventually became the God of this earth. He progressed in knowledge and power, and some believe he is still progressing. Further, there is not one God, but three separate God-beings for this planet and infinitely more who reign elsewhere. This is a very different view not only from historic Christianity but from the Bible.
2."The [Mormon church] teaches that every person experiences a series of 'births'. All were born as spirit children of God in a premortal life (Encyclopedia of Mormonism, vol. 1, "Agency"). The Mormon answer to "Where did I come from?" is that all of us pre-existed through a natural birth from heavenly father and heavenly mother. Because humanity was literally born from God, contrary to biblical teaching, man has the capacity and potential to become like his father in heaven, that is, become a god.
3. For a Mormon, "heaven" encompasses three kingdoms: the Celestial, Terrestrial, and Telestial kingdom. so in other words they belive there are 3 heavens and we go to one of them according to our works so to speak and from how i understand it our sins commited.

Those are just a few of the things i cannot get past but the ones that top it all is when they say to me that the Bible is not correct unless translated correctly preferably by there prophet I assume. also that God actully had sex with Mary and thus came Jesus our Saviour I do not and cannot belive that at all....It actully made my mouth hang open when I heard that.....Now as I said before I always try to have an open mind about everything and with this i did just that but I have to say that soon I will have to stand up for myself and tell the missionarys that I don't need them to come back by my home anymore that I have made my decision that on the matter of the religion I cannot convert to it belive in it or live by it.....I belive the BIBLE to be the true words of God I belive in Jesus Christ that he died for my sins.....and I belive that I am a child of God and that he loves me no matter what always and forever. my decision is that I want to live for Jesus Christ not Joseph Smith.

 



 

In my new place

So i'm in my new place now I love it and it's so pretty couldn't ask for better landlords.....seems everyone likes it just as much as i do which i'm glad for... so i'm still MISSING my Momma and my daughter the holidays approaching remind me always that i'm not with them which kinda is crappy I am trying my best to not let it get me down but find myself feeling just that down :( Just got over strep throat which was awful I wasn't able to help with any of the moving David and the kids had to do it all while i was popping my meds and trying to get better which took bout a week and a half and now today I am feeling sick again my throat is bothering me but not in the strep kinda way just alot of draining and i feel gaggy David is also sick right now this winter weather that i wanted so much isn't settleing well with me or anyone else lol....

So i've been still reading into the Mormon thing I don't think I am any where nearer to understanding it at all and i've been reading like crazy....Still have the sisters coming over they try to answer my questions and belive me i have many that i woop out there for them lol....One of the Sisters mission was over and she left a few days ago to go home I miss her and will always consider her one of my friends thats the crappy things about letting the missionaries come into your home you get use to them and then boom they have to go home and then you get new ones who come in then it seems like you have to go all thru the process of re-telling your story and where your at in ur search for the truth.....I'm not sure where this is gonna end with me there are just things i don't agree with and things that confuse me so much and things that I right now refuse to belive cause my heart tells me not too.... I think David and the kids just don't get it ethier and I feel sometimes that I am the one that is so to speak forcing them to go thru this mormon search of mine they kinda just go along with things that involve them...I am thinking soon I will need to just distance myself from it for awhile and focus on other things like my family and trying to make things better with that adjust to life with Honey and all that involves that....

So on that note since I'm at the library right now since i don't have internet won't get that tell later can't wait...........I am going to wrap this up and head home for the night got the Missionaries coming over tonight am meeting the new replacement for Sister Smoot who left to go home....Am feeling so tired right now and kinda achy a bit......Miss you Momma and Ashley........
 

I love you Momma so much and I miss you more then you know.....

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

My Momma and I had a chat tonight about the little things that we use to do together when I was younger and it made me miss her so much, living in a whole other state just kinda is messed up sometimes I love where I am but i miss my family at times so much :( She says she use to sing this to me when I was little :) Made me cry reading the words, She also use to sing to me You are my Sunshine I remember that a little :) Picking change out of the couch and in her purse to get just enough for a cheeseburger or even just a small fry and drink from mcdonalds was an every Saturday thing or at least we tried to make it that way I loved those days and I looked so forward to Saturdays coming so we could sneek off together :) Walking in the store with my little fingers tucked into her pants belt loop I was never so proud to do that altho I was told that I didn't much care for that at first lol but I learned to love it....Curling up in a ball in the bed with my Momma and falling asleep together.....Picking her mascara off of her eyelashes lol yes I use to love doing that to her and did it often I wonder if she remembers that too♥ Being in the kitchen and going up to my M♥mma and huggen her then i'd break out inna dance with her and she's just boogy right along with me to no music lol ☻ I have so many more memories of times that I cherish with my M♥mma I hold them very close to my heart....

I love you M♥mma so much More then you can ever know......Miss you everyday......

Sad major changes.....

So I haven't written in my blog for a while now because I am going thru some major changes most that I am not happy about, I found out thru sneeky means that I was about to get evicted from my home :( yea so that sorda put a major damper on the way i've been feeling. My boyfriend has lived here in this house/apartment for 11yrs with his Gramma and recently myself & my children as his Gramma passed away in December of 2009 I came here to Ny from Tx in Feb 2010 & have been living here now to present time....


Well my landlord has recently had a memory relapse he has no knowledge of me even coming here or living here for the last 8 months....Only the crazy thing is he's been in the apartment seen & talked to me, talked to me on the phone about matters concerning things needing fixed & having a building inspecter come inside the apartment along with himself take pics of things..........but he has no memory of me being here How retarded is that crap.....

The list of few things that I've had to give up or indure while living here is way beyond what I've wanted to have to go thru....1. I had to give up my little dog Niceum which she is now staying at my boyfriends parents she was nice enough to care for her for me otherwise i would have had to give her away that would have crushed me more then anything...according to the landlord as told to me on the phone by the man himself (etheir get rid of the dog or i will evict you) i did as asked....2. I came here with nothing but my clothes and a few personal things i could grab that was depressing enough for me I never would have come here knowen this was going to happen.....

 
So as of now I am everyday looking,hunting,searching for another place to live.....so far I've only recived the 3day vacate notice which i know isn't legal  on this paper he sent his claim is that he is going to pursue an eviction based on there being to many occupants living in the unit and a water bill that he claims we owe with an amount added of an exsisting bill owed by my boyfriends deceased Gramma which brings the bill too $312. we went to a place here where we live to try to get help when the agency contacted the landlord he refused to accept there help his excuse was that he was going to evict us anyways so the agency felt paying the bill wasn't going to help us thus no water bill paid :( 

 Which leaves me to today even tho I could just about crawl in a corner and cry myself to death everyday I refuse I will be happy & for the most part I have :) I seem to be able to find joy in something everyday with my quiet walks at night my Love filled moments with my Honey I couldn't ask for more then those moments I am thankful for my family my kids and the joy they bring me everyday and with each smile they give me with there crazyness lol...... so I can find peace and joy in the midst of any storm    :)

Such Pissyness can't be good

Ha at the picture above but it fits how i am feeling at this very moment lol....So we have these very annoying nieghbors and i just wanna oh i don't know what i wanna do to them lol they just make me pissy....You ever have the ones where they just do things i think to get a as they say a rise out of you well our nieghbors do just that....I don't really know what i did to make these ignorant people dislike me we actully i do know but it's really kinda stupid to me it is...


 So I'll explain my daughter has asthma it's very serious and she has already been in the hospital 1 time for it and to the ER several times and once since i've been here to Ny had to have 8 treatments before leaving the ER was very scary....So anyways the nieghbors are smokers Great huh so i began to notice that when they'd go outside to smoke they were leaving the door here near our front door open (we live inna big house that has several apartments inside) they live across the hall from us there a 2 doors that lead out to the back porch they felt they needed both doors open thus the smoke was coming right in the hallway for my daughter to smell....
So i wrote up a little note to tape on the door needing to be closed at all times which by the way has a sign already on the door applyed by the Landlord stating keep doors closed i guess they can't read....so i wrote my note up it said please keep this door closed as my daughter has asthma and can't smell cigarette smoke i then tape it to the door only to come out a few days later and notice the note is gone and the doors are wide open WTH so i write another note tape it on the door go back inside and close my door only to hear the nice little people come out and tear it off the door so i go back out once again mind u this is the 3rd attempt and they ripp that one off too so i take my butt outside in the hallway see them standing on the back porch both doors open and the girls hand is inside not outside inside and shes holding a cigarette and blowing the smoke insideeeeeee O hell to the no....

So i tell the girl excuse me i don't know why you seem to wanna take my notes down i didn't put them here for my health i put them here for my daughters health she has ashtma could you please keep this door closed when you come out here to smoke so that she won't have to smell it then she says could you please stop slamming your front door lol excuse me wat the hell did u say slammen my door ur joking right? the only door we been closing is this one why because you keep insisting on leaving it open when we've asked you to keep it closed.....she then doesn't say anything so i go inside and now there annoying because now they seem to be doing all sorts of things to be annoying for example this last weekend after many times cleaning up after them they leave there trash out in the hallway which includes crappy diapers,spoilt food, ewwww and because of that maggots on the floor we had to clean that up because they would leave it there for weeks at a time it was really gross....

They make me crazy lol liken the pic above.....I had to call the landlord today and complain once again about the trash and the door being left open and i hate to do that i really do.....so according to the landlord he and his nephew they are aware of the things that are going on in the apartment building and are about to make some changes they better be good ones.....like maken the ppl keep the door closed or hey no smoken would be good :) Let's see how the next day is hopefully good.....