♥Mending a broken Heart♥

 So im sitting here with so much going thru my head that i can hardly be still at all.....Just when you think that you have a handle on things and that everything is going just the way your thinking it should boom a slap in the face and then everything is gone to poop....I dont know why i thought moving here to Ny would solve my problems Ive only seemed to create more for myself....WHY did i think i had control of things when all along i didn't I knew deep inside that starting to drink again was only gonna bring unwanted things and feelings back up the one thing Ive tried so hard to keep him from hit me right in the face tonight or should i say this morning..

There were signs and i stupid me ignored them I thought they were nothing but stupid silly talk now i see sitting here all alone waiting for him to come back home they weren't so silly and I should have taken them for what they were and protected myself.....Sometimes love can really blind the crap out of a person I've certainly been blind by it for a long time now i think I've been caught up in some kind of fantasy world that i wanted to just be so true but it isn't true at least not anymore for me....So now....

How do I leave him......................How do i close my heart off so that I can do the right thing and just leave before this all destroys me and my children....I thought he was the one for me I thought he was the one that would make my life complete and for awhile he made it seem like he did complete it that is until he started breaking me into pieces little by little....We decided to have a few drinks alone at home kids are in bed its late at night we come in the room sit down listen to sum music together were loving and hugging on one another sneaking little kisses on the lips im thinking this is nice i love him so much were having such a good time together soon we will lay down and cuddle together and then drift off and sleep....I crawl into bed and ask him to come get under the covers with me & he says im working my way over there baby give me a second....so i  crawl deeper under the covers getting warm he gets up to go use the bathroom or so im thinking as i watch him leave the room and close the bedroom door i lay there waiting for him to come back int he room and after a few minutes he doesn't so i think in my mind ill get up and go see wats taking him so long and ask him to come to bed with me im sleepy only when i call out to him thinking hes in the bathroom he doesnt answer me so i call out a second time as im opening the door my heart drops to the floor as i see the empty dark bathroom......

I walk to the kitchen and slowly peel back the curtain and realize he's left hes gone he's taking our van and he's left me.....hes taken our bill money and he's gone to the city to do the awful thing I've tried so hard to keep him away from................Will my heart Mend will i love him or hate and despise him now....


Will i stay or go????

Been away for awhile....

So i been away for a long while because my computer got majorly infected which made things really a pain in the butt for me :( my computer is still not completely back to it's old self but it's good enough to be able to get online and do my blog and Facebook it every now and then which makes me happy since i am away from my family in Texas.

Speaking of family i sure do miss mine so much....The holidays are almost here again and it seems that it's gonna be another one without being with them again :( Recently I found out that my Momma's husband my step-father has cancer of the liver and it saddens me that i cannot be with them to celebrate Christmas,Thanksgiving and New Years....I love him so much and really thank God above that he gave him to my Mother he has made her into a better person just by loving her the way that he does :)

I am so very thankful to be able to be with my Honey for the holidays I went 11 long yrs without being with him....Today isn't going so well for me I have the worse headache and my son stayed home today from school because he has a tummy virus....My birthday is tomorrow and instead of feeling happy and excited about it i don't...Not sure why but is how i feel....Hopefully i will start to feel better soon :P

Hamburgers and Marriage

I read this on the Joyce Meyers website and thought I'd share it with you all.....hope you enjoy it and get something out of it like i did ♥

What a Hamburger Can Teach You About Forgiveness

by Joyce Meyer - posted August 30, 2010 I once made a disastrous mistake and asked my husband, Dave, for the last bite of his hamburger. If there’s anything hard for a man to sacrifice, it's that last bite. It's much easier to give somebody the first bite because he still has so much of it left, but when he’s down to the last bite, it's tough. I didn't realize before how much of a test it could be, especially for Dave.
Our exchange began as usual, with his offer, "I'm going to stop here and get a hamburger. Do you want one?"
"No, no, no. I don't want anything."
"Are you sure you don't want anything? Let me get you one."
I firmly said, "Dave, I don't want a hamburger."
He said, "I'll eat what's left."
I said, "I do not want a hamburger."
"OK."
He bought a hamburger, and it smelled so good. I waited and waited, trying my best not to ask for a bite of that hamburger. But he got down to the last bite, and I couldn't stand it.
I asked, "Do you suppose I could have that last bite?"
Dave got upset with me and huffed, "Why didn't you let me get you a hamburger?! I’ll buy you all the hamburgers you want. Why do you only want to eat mine?"
"It's only one bite!" I defended. "You don't have to be so selfish!"
He said, "All right! Here it is."
I said, "Nope, I don't want it! I wouldn't eat that hamburger now! You couldn't pay me to eat that bite of hamburger!"
He said, "You eat this!"
I said, "I'm not eating it!"
He said, "You eat it!"
I said, "I will not!"
"Well, I'm not eating it,” Dave replied, “so you might as well." So I took it, shoved it in my mouth and chewed it up.
I was upset not only because Dave had hurt my feelings, but also because I’d compared the way he treated me to the way I saw other men treat their wives. I said, "Well, other men give their wives bites of their food. I just ask you for one stinkin' bite of your hamburger, and you throw a fit!" I was mad for about an hour after that argument.
It takes a little while for the Lord to get through to us when we’re enjoying our vengeance and self-pity, just as I was. But finally I started feeling the Lord deep within me saying, "Joyce, you are acting ridiculous. The man told you he would buy you a whole sack of hamburgers if you wanted them."
Dave had offered to buy me a hamburger even if I wanted just one bite of it. He’d clearly asked me in advance not to ask for his. It doesn't matter what other men do. Sharing that last bite of hamburger bothered Dave. The person to whom you are comparing your spouse probably has some faults your spouse doesn't have that would drive you crazy and be just as difficult to accept. What's the sense in pushing something on your spouse if it bothers them? Just don't do it.
Marriages are not as good as they could be when people hold on to little things that have hurt or offended them. It’s difficult to completely open yourself up after being hurt because you’re afraid you’ll be hurt again. Nobody can promise that loving someone won't hurt. In fact, you can't love without being willing to be hurt. It's not possible.
You can't have real love unless you’re willing to forgive. Love keeps giving the other person another chance. Love keeps trusting them over and over again, expecting them to do the right thing the next time. I realize there are big hurts and also little things we deal with daily. Sometimes we may not even know what is agitating us, but we need to decide to let go of its irritating hold on us.
Ask the Lord to reveal what it was that caused you to feel bitterness or resentment. You may be surprised at what He drags up, but when you see the truth, decide to let go of that grief. Decide to forgive the person who didn't respond to you in the right way.
It took me several days to completely get over the hamburger incident. That's the truth! My feelings had been hurt because Dave didn't want me to have that bite of his hamburger. But I had to get over it and move on. Don't trade your happiness for a bite of hamburger! Forget what lies behind and press on to what lies ahead. 

 

♥An update to my last post ♥

So I feel compiled to do an update to my previous post lol.....I want to make it known to all that read my blog is that I by no means regret moving here to NY to be with David I do however get frustrated and well mad at him and sometimes venting or writing in my blog is my way of dealing with things....Come on I think each of us kinda goes thru similar things like what I wrote about with there spouse or significant other if ya don't then please share your secrets with me lol....

So on a good note we are no longer mad at each other and we've moved on from the little episode....I am still majorly in love with my Honey and everyday thank God for bringing us together <3 We are and will be for a long time from now be learning to live and adjust to each others ways....

Mind you all the years before together were thru the cam the computer and pictures and phone this is the 1st year actually living under the same ruff....It is a stressful adjustment to all of us but because we love each other so much and respect the same i know that we can make it.....I am truly happier then Ive ever been in my whole life....He makes me feel complete.....

Wish today was better.......

Today isn't going very well David is in a bad mood and has been that way since he got up thx to Hannah and Breanna.....They came into the room long before we were able to get up out of it and told him Jonathan left without making his bed therefore that put him in his current mood....When he gets this way the whole day is screwd and his anger is usally turned towards me i guess because im the only one here he can yell at and say nasty things too :( pretty soon i always find that it's him and I argueing with eachother for the remainder of the day :( always over something mean he has said to me and of course i have to respond too....

I should learn I know to just not say anything back to him and just go about my buisness but it seems to be a hard thing for me to do. especially when he's saying things like Everyday is just a mistake then he catches himself and says getting out of bed everyday as if that sounds any better then what he said before that :( it still hurts my feelings and always has me sitting here long after asking myself why is it that I am here.....Does he even want me here and if he's so damn misrable why doesn't he do something about it tell me to go if he's un-happy with me....Instead he just goes about saying all of his mean comments and maken me feel that much smaller in his eyes :( I will take the blame and own up to the things i say if i feel i was in the worng but for most part i don't feel i am....I don't disagree with him very often I back him on most of what he lays down here as far as rules and what he expects from the kids the things I don't agree with is his over dramatic way of how he handles certain things, How he yells at the top of his lungs at just about everything that rubs him raw, How his anger is always aimed at me no matter if i've done anything or not, And how he always seems to say that we are driven him to wanna drink I think thats the comment that always hurts me the most :( I know anger makes us say and do things that sometimes later on we can regret but come on we gotta have some conrol over what we say don't we? I guess i'm venting as they say doesn't really change anything and once this is over i'm almost sure it will happen again and because of that it's got me thinking about alot of things :(

So the chapter ends I think?

So I've finally asked the Missionaries to stop coming to my house once again I'm wondering how long this will last because I've told them to stop coming once before and it didn't last very long before new ones came to once again try to teach me about Joseph Smith whom i do not believe in at all.... For a long while i was torn and confused inside on this subject i didn't know which way to go, these ppl are so kind and loving to you that it makes it hard to just cutt the ties...

But...I knew in my heart that joining the church simply because of their kindness and love wasn't a legit reason i mean this is my life I'm thinking about my future my everything.... as much as i have read and studied the book of Mormon it hasn't done to me what they claim it was suppose too... And believe me i have read and studied alottttt.....for the past year.....And I believe in my heart the BIBLE is the only true word of Jesus Christ and only thru him can i get to heaven.....,

I think it to be sad that all of these people are being lead astray and lead to believe in something that is truly false, the only thing i could say to someone who is thinking of going towards the Mormon church test it read study and if anything goes against the word of God meaning the Bible go the other way it's wrong.....

Thank you God for you true words of love and for helping me see what was right in front of me all along........

Mormons

So I haven't written anything in awhile and thought i'd do just that had some things on my mind this morning that I wanted to share with you guys the ones that read my blog, it's my very own thoughts and feelings about the Mormon church and there beliefs and my journey into learning about it all and how i feel about it....


When I first began to look into Mormonism as some may call it I was curious it was my curiosity that lead me to start reading and learning about the religion now that I've read many book and watch many movies on the subject I am as each day goes by learning that this may not be as in truth as they claim it to be.... First off I want to say and clarify that I love the missionary's very much I have made some very good friends by them coming to my home and trying to teach me the Book of Mormon, but that is where it stops, from day 1 I have had this since of things not being right with the whole Book of Mormon teachings and Joseph Smith I came into it all with an open mind and right away telling myself that I would by no means judge anyone or anything untill I read the book and learned a bit more....

I have been here in Palmyra Ny the place known for it's history of the mormons and the gold plates ect for 10 months....http://www.mormonwiki.com/Gold_plates you can go to the link and read about it..... during the time i've been here i've used it to teach myself and learn the religion and let me just say it is wayyyyyy confusing. I have seen all the beautiful sites here and my most favorite place is the Sacred Grove I have walked thru it about 4 times since being here :) and taken so many pictures.... 


I would love to belive with all of my heart that this all is the truth but there are just a few things that have been preventing me from feeling just that, I will list some of those things below. I will be coping and pasting from varies websites.
1.The Mormon view of God is in complete contrast the biblical understanding of God as an infinite, unchangeable, and eternal in his triune nature. Through the lens of historical Mormonism, God was once a man who obeyed laws and principles and eventually became the God of this earth. He progressed in knowledge and power, and some believe he is still progressing. Further, there is not one God, but three separate God-beings for this planet and infinitely more who reign elsewhere. This is a very different view not only from historic Christianity but from the Bible.
2."The [Mormon church] teaches that every person experiences a series of 'births'. All were born as spirit children of God in a premortal life (Encyclopedia of Mormonism, vol. 1, "Agency"). The Mormon answer to "Where did I come from?" is that all of us pre-existed through a natural birth from heavenly father and heavenly mother. Because humanity was literally born from God, contrary to biblical teaching, man has the capacity and potential to become like his father in heaven, that is, become a god.
3. For a Mormon, "heaven" encompasses three kingdoms: the Celestial, Terrestrial, and Telestial kingdom. so in other words they belive there are 3 heavens and we go to one of them according to our works so to speak and from how i understand it our sins commited.

Those are just a few of the things i cannot get past but the ones that top it all is when they say to me that the Bible is not correct unless translated correctly preferably by there prophet I assume. also that God actully had sex with Mary and thus came Jesus our Saviour I do not and cannot belive that at all....It actully made my mouth hang open when I heard that.....Now as I said before I always try to have an open mind about everything and with this i did just that but I have to say that soon I will have to stand up for myself and tell the missionarys that I don't need them to come back by my home anymore that I have made my decision that on the matter of the religion I cannot convert to it belive in it or live by it.....I belive the BIBLE to be the true words of God I belive in Jesus Christ that he died for my sins.....and I belive that I am a child of God and that he loves me no matter what always and forever. my decision is that I want to live for Jesus Christ not Joseph Smith.